Cold hands, warm shart.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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