Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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