Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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