i need an iv and a liver transplant
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
