$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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