I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
