Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
