i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
