Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
