i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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