he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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