worst night to have a conscience
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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