I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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