I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dear god my vagina.
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