What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
