There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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