That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
