I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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