I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
