i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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