i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize