if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm too high and old for this...
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