why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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