Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
