I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
