Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
