im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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