I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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