he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
