No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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