He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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