Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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