I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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