You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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