we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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