im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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