i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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