Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
please come you make the beer taste better
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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