I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize