I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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