Don't you send me to vm
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize