where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just saw a hot homeless man
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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