My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
