I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
