Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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