Got a toothbrush?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
