so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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