I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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