So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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