The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
