This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
your room smells of hookers.
And success
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's shark week go big or go home
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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