wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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