If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
