my phone needs a breathalizer
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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