Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
