when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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