While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I am naked and annoyed.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
false alarm, still single
Randomize
