so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
