I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
