Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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