she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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