My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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