THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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