My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
