I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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