Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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