Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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