remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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