I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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