I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
