I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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